I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
