My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
