I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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