I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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