Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
