i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
