He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
