My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
