I seem to have left my pride at pride
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You need a sexual gate keeper
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my liver is dry heaving
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
