So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
