Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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