I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
