I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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