dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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