so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
