she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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