Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
