It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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