Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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