Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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