So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
