good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
