Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
