I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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