So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
