I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
