i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
