Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
