Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
