I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
