True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
