I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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