if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
