Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
