so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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