i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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