It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
