There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
