I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
