How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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