Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
