there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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