if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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