you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
