I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
