Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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