I wish I could teleport
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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