Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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