Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
