I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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